dirt that soap won't clean

A letter to a stranger that I wrote on my lunch break.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 20:51:59 GMT

Dear ______,

I am sitting in my car and it is raining.
When you called me this morning, you were in your own car while it poured in your town. I tried imagining what it really must have felt like for you, desperately seeking the privacy (and strength) to call me, a counselor, about the things that you endured. I felt a connection to you, and I am so sorry that I could not continue our conversation longer, but my supervisor pushed me to help you realize that "crisis counseling" is different from "one on one ongoing" counseling. And so, after over an hour of you mustering up much courage to open up to me about your childhood sexual assault, I had to push you in a different direction.
I respect and admire you and the courage it must have taken to call.
I believe in you.
One thing that did make me face myself was your question how I knew you would be okay. Or how I knew you would move forward. Or how I knew what you are feeling is a "normal" response (which is overrated anyway! Who wants to be normal, really?). I even corrected myself and began using "typical" of survivors instead of "normal" -- I know you don't feel "normal"...
I wanted to hug you. I wanted to hug you and tell you that I know because I was raped too.
I wanted to hug your pain away and tell you, "it's okay, it's okay to cry" and pat your back and wipe your tears.
I will be thinking of you.
I think you are brave.
I love you.
And you're more of a man than many men I know.
Good luck on your journey.

Am I Crazy?

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 20:30:00 GMT

I thought that I had plenty of good karma stashed away for occasions such as these?
When you're finding your best friends to be your
enemies and the people who aren't
best for you, there as a friend?
Why are the people who are supposed to support me
slapping me with such firm and heavy handed misjudgments?
Why are the things meant
to nourish and sustain
me suddenly
becoming
the catalyst for my destruction?
Why does negative energy
just want every bit of
my newfound happiness
All at once?

I wrote this before bed last night, upon having fallen outs with not one, not two, but a total of five people this one day.
I am not unhappy.
I am enjoying living.
I am hurt with the decisions of people to suddenly decide to reveal their true opinions to and about me...but I am certainly not planning on stopping any bit of the "living my life like it's golden" process.
Que sera, sera.

Peace.

You never know who is watching.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 16:28:01 GMT

I could think of a dozen cliches to illustrate the idea that you never know who is watching and admiring you from afar.
I've overcome a lot of adversity in my life so far, and I expect to continue to for the rest of my time here. It's all about living.
I have not, however, done anything for people to watch and say "wow, look at her. she does a LOT!"
I do what I do to survive, and I enjoy (very recently, for a change) life in the meantime. My life is sometimes very chaotic..and I'm okay because I now know how to deal with myself and other people.

Today, I was on facebook at work (as usual) and I was instant messaging a guy who dated a friend of mine for a few years. He's a goofball, but got serious with some of his remarks. And it really made my day:

Me: i'm just ready to get up outta here. i came home to help out with my grandma who was really sick -- and she passed last monday. so i'm just kinda ready to pack up and roll out.

Him: I'm sorry to hear that. but i swear... I admire the hell out of everything u do. spread ur wings and do it big

Me: Awww thanks :)

Him: I was talking to ____ about u the other day and i gained a whole new respect for you

Me: awww. about what? lol daaang.

Him: Just how u dont get the props u deserve... u do way more than most and just dont get what deserve thats all. i hate shit like that personally

My day has been made.

Forgiveness.

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 14:10:32 GMT

I suppose that in dealing with trauma in my life, I've been looking for a way to forgive people of the wrongdoings that they have inflicted on me. I've reflected on the nature of apologies -- even recently:

A friend of mine recently committed an act against me in an unloving nature. However, when he apologized, he explained that apologies are only words, and in order for words to have true meaning, a person should give something as an act of atonement. An apology isn't enough.

So, if in order for an apology to be legit, a person must give something to show the sincerity behind their words, what does a person need to do to truly forgive? I've not forgiven many people in my life, ever. Throughout my growth process, I've worked diligently to forgive myself, even though the sexual assault was not my fault.
How do you forgive others who have done wrong to you on a very consistent basis throughout life? How do you know that their apology is meaningful, even when they've given? Can everything just be "let go" once a person apologizes?
I am very uncertainty about how to forgive a certain person for all of the pain they have delivered me throughout my life, but I know that I want to.
Is wanting to enough?

Open Letter to Believers, Non-Believers, and Even the Uncertain...oh my!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 17:42:29 GMT

Dear Friend or Stranger,

Let me first begin by explaining who I am, in case many of you have an idea in your mind without truly knowing. I am Adonicca MeChelle. I am an intellect. The most important things to me are both knowledge and wisdom. I am equipped with more common sense than most, book smarts, and a hell of a drive; I am so filled with determination and livication that I am very sure that the things I wish to accomplish will be accomplished, unless of course my time on Earth ends prematurely. I am a natural born leader, and I also know when to sit back and allow others to make decisions. I enjoy helping people through things. I have a very direct personality and I am also very headstrong. While I can be emotional, I try not to be driven by my emotions -- but what I will tell you is something that I've had to convince several people with over time: I am only human. Human beings make mistakes, can be emotional, and can do things that some people deem as irrational from the outside looking in but it's all a part of the living experience.
Now, here is an attribute that most people do not typically see in me because of my direction and positivity: I am not a religious person at all. As a matter of fact, most times, I certainly allow people to know that I teeter-totter somewhere between atheism and agnosticism. I have the utmost respect for [most] religious people. I think that religion can be quite beautiful and a spiritual life is one that provides things for [some] people that cannot be found any place else. I have no qualms with people who can believe in something for reasons that make them happy -- but I do, however, have a problem with a system -- be it religious, political, social, or other -- that indulges in the practice of oppressing other people. On an individual level, I respect any person who wishes to worship either privately or publicly. I can have conversations with individuals about religion and not have it turn into a heated debate. It has been my experience that many religious people view atheists (or even just people that down-right do not believe in what they believe in) as the opposition. This point of view is both oppressive and incredibly wrong. Aside, it is possible to be both non-religious and well-balanced, goal oriented, and positive about life. I have several reasons for believing the things that I do, and I have believed these things in this manner since I was thirteen or fourteen. I enjoy the study of religion. I like to study religion like I enjoy studying cultutre. Just because they're different from me doesn't make them better (or worse) than me.
It has also been my experience that my non-believer friends view the religious (while more specifically, radical religious individuals) as the opposition. While in my experience, their opinions are solely reactionary, this point of view can also be oppressive and incredibly wrong. There are religious people who are most tolerant and mainly only worried with their own salvation (and there are many who are not).
It is possible to be a "good atheist". It is possible to be a member of a religion -- any religion -- without persecuting other people for not sharing your beliefs. That said, I will introduce a situation that has been ongoing for the last three years. I hope you have your listening ears (or reading eyes) ready:

When I was nineteen (years after I discovered that there was a world beyond all of the religious propaganda I had been taught -- and even believed -- for much of my life), I was sexually assaulted. I have since gone through counseling and at several points needed anti-depressants. I bounced from counselor to counselor until I found my own peace far away from the people I knew and loved in a crazy little world of my own in the city of Wilmington. There, I was able to work things out without other people imposing what they thought my world should be like and I had freedom to either go to my bedroom and crumble to pieces (which was often the case) or be a warrior woman (which was also the case). The night the I was raped, I called my then-best friend and she, though unbeknownst to me, was a member of the religious right: a Christian fundamentalist, I'd say. For the first few months after my rape, I did nothing but cry. I cried much of the day, and hardly slept. I wasn't even interested in speaking to anybody outside of my mother, and much of my interaction with old friends and other people occured via the internet.
One day, a few months afterward, my friend got tired of hearing my wails throughout the day and night -- my own way of healing -- and she decided to make the comment that my sexual assault and trauma was the result of my lack in faith of her God. Though much of my world was cloudy during this period in my life, one thing was very certainly clear: I did not need a "friend" like this person in my life to decide that my rape was the decision of a higher power to make me submit to "His" will. I stopped speaking with her for over a year, and throughout that year, I had become stronger and wiser than I had ever been. I found ways to deal with my stress and to release my feelings. I have since become happier with my life and myself than I had ever been. I even told myself that, though, I knew being raped was not my fault, that I forgave myself. Everything in my life has become brighter. My recovery has been incredible, and through forgiving myself, I thought it to be wise to forgive others who had attempted to help me through this tough time. I even decided that maybe I had been unwilling to receive help and that I was going to attempt to repair relationships that may have been broken by my confusion and depression.
One day in the near-past, I was on facebook and received an instant message from my ex-friend. She told me that she missed me, and I didn't entirely reciprocate. The thing is, I invest very little in people emotionally until I know that I can trust them, and I was not sure that she could be trusted. I eased into a platonic interaction (not read as friendship) with this lady since she admitted that she was wrong (in a very subtle way: "we both probably had some maturing to do"). Of course, hindsight would have told me that making friends with a woman who says "I wouldn't want a woman to be President because she is probably too emotional" and swore that she was a virgin since she repented after having sex with her boyfriend was probably not the best decision.
My grandma recently fell ill and she recently called me selfish because I was devastated by my grandmother's seemingly vegetative state. I have, however, learned to tame my temper when dealing with certain people, because I realize that it is my decision to speak to people. I know that I can end a conversation because I have rights as a person. And when I ended the conversation because I chose not to engage in such a negative fashion with anybody, she became angry. She texted me several days later, quoting what "God" does, and I asked her not to text me again. She, again, grew angry and told me that I was miserable and loney. She went on to say that I need to seek God and it doesn't matter how intelligent I "think" I am; and that basically, in a nut shell, she is better off than me. I laughed it off, friends, until today.
I was talking to my long time love interest this morning -- and we actually met through my ex-friend. He told me that he had seen her on Sunday and that she told him (lies) about what happened last week. Friends, never have I been so angry with a situation; but I have also never been as properly equipped to deal with the negativity. After I vented for what seemed like hours with him, I decided that I was ready to change the subject and not subject myself to more negative energy -- especially in dealing with the recent death of my grandmother (she isn't even buried yet).
I say this to raise my main point about life and living:
Everything I do, I try (because I am not perfect) to do it in a loving nature. If actions are not done with the motivation of love behind them, why participate? If your energy is not one of love, then it is not one that will be helpful in any situation.
I live like I do because of the things that I have witnessed and experienced. My journey is my own, and it is not up to me to force the things that I believe (or do not) on other people. Your journey is your own, and I do not expect you to force it down my throat either.

So friends/strangers/believers/non-believers/unsure people/people unwilling to label themselves, I hope that you all are living positively and I am sincerely apologetic if you ever received the wrong impression about religious affiliation or lack thereof. I love my life and though it is not perfect, it is mine to experience. I hope you experience what you also want out of your own. My story is not meant to be an attack on any religous group or particular person, but I hope that it serves as a lesson in loving kindness.

Thank you,

A. MeChelle

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:42:33 GMT

My grandmother died yesterday. Incredibly sad.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 19:43:56 GMT

My grandmother will be gone very soon and I've, again, reached a point where I am not speaking about certain things -- namely feelings.
Considering most people attempt to push me in the direction that they want me in, I've just withdrawn completely. It isn't necessarily bad. I'm a lot more content ignoring certain people, opinions, and comments because a lot of people's words and actions make me unhappy. However, I worked very hard at one point to get to a point where I would discuss my feelings with other people. Dumb.

Back to the drawing board, I guess.

Que sera, sera.

Email responses on "Juneteenth: Random Racial Commentary"

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 03:59:28 GMT

I got a response from a girl who really admires me, and I really enjoy the conversations that we have. She's incredible...on a four year scholarship and making MAJOR moves. Here is her response, and beneath it, mine.

Hmmm. interesting perspective. Here is my response.( IF ANY of it doesnt make sense, forgive me, i wrote it reallllllllllly fast lol )
First off: The Emancipation Proclamation was a floozy that was constructed by a President that was torn by his loyalties to the south and the north. it was the President's way of fundamentally short-changing slaves. at the time of the EP, Lincoln was only trying to satify the demands of North. BUT think about this: Lincoln never wanted the abolishing of slavery in the first place he only wanted to stop the spread of it (so the south can keep thier slaves). ALSO if you actually look at the Emancipation in Sep of 1862 before it was ratified, it was freeing slaves in states that the North had NO control over!! in addition in the states that it could control, 10 states were still exempt. my point being, they were not believing that they were still slaves, They WERE! the EP didn't do it job fully and that is why over 10,000 slaves were still slaves even after Jan 1, 1863.
Second: Congress will never be able to acknowledge ALL of the damage for various reasons. One because that is an surrender of Black people to congress saying that slavery is still inflicting us; it is still weighing on us. now lets completely disregard the fact that we have a black president: look at all the accomplishments that we have made as a black race. Our successes show that we have risen above slavery, not that we are still suffering from the "damage" of it. submitting to congress's apology will only show that we still suffer, and we do not. We can always remember, always reflect, but instead of letting it drag us down, we must let it lift us up, u feel me? Second, the damage is too great. there is nothing that anyone could every do that could carry the burden that our ancestors carried for us as slaves. there is no way that congress could do anything that would ever amount to a real apology of what OUR America did to OUR Race. (So what, we gonna fight about it NOW??? (no is the answer to that question incase you were wondering)) About the Holocaust? its simply. we are always told to forget because we are always looking for ways for America to "reinburst" (sp) us for our troubles. Jews dont ask for shit. They got the hell out of Germany and came to America. Americans sympathize with Jews because they think that what did Hitler was wrong (even though it was not illegal- (think about that)), and so they say "oh we care about you, never forget this tragedy." with black people, we protested. The Civil Rights Movement. Basically, America believe that blacks have went to immeasurable heights to end a system that they have been accustomed to. Now that we have it, now that we are equal, they are like "ok, you got what you want, now forget about it and lets not talk about it again. (and then they wanna shake our hands as if that will make it better).
you touched on the idea that you can do anything, but do kids of the projects have the same will? will is within man mam. I am straight from the hood, but you would have never known because I dont act it. I am a Full four-year air force college student from the hood. how? because I have will. just like you do. Ghandi once said, " every worthwhile accomplishment has it stages of drugery and triumph: a beginning, a struggle and a victory." anybody can do anything, hood or projects or not, as long as they believe they can.
to be quiet honest, I think that the Senate's apology was a waste of time because we are victorious. we are no longer struggling. i believe that over the years the goverment has been broken by our consistent acts of determination and keeness and oh they have given us our apology. of course we will never forget about slavery; its destruction is forever embedded in our veins and in the blood of our predassesors (sp), but what we cannot and must not do is let slavery distract us from achieving our goal. holding in that anger and letting slavery destroy us and what we are capable of is what we should really be afraid of. Yes, racism still exist, conversely the racists today are hoping that we destroy ourselves: with our own hate for our past. W.E.B DuBois stated that "freedom is a state of mind." ( u know that) physically we are free. emotional we are not. now we can either allow ourselves to trap ourselves in our own cells and become mentally bound, or we can awaken from the tragedy and forgive. God can forgive as the All Mighty, why cant we? ( i wont go any deeper into that; that is another subject) although white men and women inflicted a scar upon us that no cocoa butter can fade, we can rise through our skin and above those scars and forget about a past that has bound us, and grasp the future that belongs to us.

I appreciate your response VERY much, and I think that it was very insightful. However, I think you misinterpreted a point that I made (mainly about the kids in the projects) and I think that your opinion is a very bright eyed look at what we COULD be versus the current state of the Black community.
Let me go back to the points made about atonement and reparations. When I spoke about my friend and how he explained that apologies are meaningless without action, I was, in fact, referring to reparations. However, reparations are not simply monetary. The word reparation basically means to receive something material or monetary as to correct something wrong, or to restore to good condition. Many people mistakenly believe that all we want in terms of reparations is money, and that is most certainly not what should be thought of in terms of reparations. However, many other downpressed people received reparations -- including the Japanese and the Jewish. The Jewish people received money and built in terms of their level of community, money, and power, which ultimately landed them in the success that they, themselves, as a people, currently share in terms of wealth. There are exceptions to every generalization, but as far as the people as a unit and from a sociological perspective go, they have achieved more as a result of their wealth. As such, the wrongs that were inflicted on the Black community, from slavery through the Civil Rights Era, up until now are absolutely irreparable. However, the multitude of actions inflicted upon us has made the Black community what it currently is. I am not arguing against free will, but the decisions that are contemporarily being made are a result of limited options and resources. We could go on and on and focus on all things in the Black community: from the relationship between the Black man and woman (because of the breeding that was forced between them during slavery) to COINTELPRO to the introduction of crack to the Black community, police brutality...the "no snitching" attitude, the welfare families (which, in turn, is the destruction of the Black family because the system is designed to keep Black man and woman separate, ergo single parent households). The current state of the Black community is ultimately not at its full potential and it is a result of so many actions and attitudes toward us..constantly. From then until now. The only way for this to change is by the Government acknowledging their wrongs. You're a bright girl and you're very lucky to have a full ride -- but think about how many other brothas and sistas are currently being financially downpressed because of the desire to move forward and better themselves AND the community. I think that the idea that Jews don't ask for anything is nuts because they received and prosper as a result.
Secondly, I am straight out the hood. I am lucky to have both of my parents. I am lucky to have never had my family receive any type of so-called benefits from the system. I am lucky that they had the will, and as such, I received an attitude that nothing can hold me down. I have been through many a struggle and I believe that my purpose in life is to inspire people to greater heights. However, not everyone has the same drive. Attitude can be inherited (and before we get into a nature-nurture debate, I said "can be"...there are exceptions). I'll give you an example that is close to me. Someone I know was practically thrown away as a baby. They were left in the streets of NY outside of a hospital because their mother did not want them, basically. They were adopted by an incredible family -- both parents, two older children. They had identical upbringings...
The older siblings graduated high school. One just graduated college and the other is nearly finished. Yet, the young lady that was adopted is 19 with two children, dropped out of high school, and is working at Micky D's. Now, imagine all of the children that inherit an attitude and are constantly growing up in environments unhealthy to their growth. What happens when they know nothing but failure? They fail. This has to change, and the only way for it to change is more/better resources and a way out.
The abolition of slavery was, symbolically and on paper, just that -- slavery should have been outlawed. Yes, there were ulterior motives. Yes, there were differing attitudes. However, they were slaves because the slave masters failed to inform them that they were liberated. Even so, after slavery, we were deprived of rights. Hell, a lot of Blacks remained on the plantations because what ELSE were they going to do after a so-called "emancipation"? As an act of atonement to the abolition of slavery, the slaves should have immediately received resources. YET, we continued to fight for over a hundred years. Sista, we are still fighting.
Sistas like us may have overcome and we may be mentally liberated, but many of our brothas and sistas are NOT. I think that it is supremely important to never EVER forget that. We are a strong people, yes. But we are not over the struggle by far. We are the highest percentage of people in prison, yet the minority in America. SOMETHING IS WRONG.
I spend my time uplifting because that is what it is about. But in my process to encourage others, I am now financially downpressed.
I am NOT by any means the type of sista who blames "the man" for everything, but allowing him to look past his wrongdoing is not my style either. There are things that need to change...
I'm a realist.
My point being is that NOW that the government has apologized, it has opened a door for these things to be possible -- non-monetary reparations -- repairing the damage that they have done to the community and making a way for the Black community to continue to prosper. Many of us have done many a great thing. I, myself, am one of them. You, yourself, are one of them. But WE are not the majority. That's like when white people say we have no room to complain because Oprah is one of the richest PEOPLE in the world. Oprah is good, admirable -- but not the majority of our people; and there are far more rich whites than rich Blacks. Always remember that.
I have much respect for President Obama, but he is in the middle and stuck trying not to piss off the political Right. And that's his place for right now...but our community needs more.

Juneteenth. Random Racial Commentary.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:43:04 GMT

Juneteenth is by far my favorite [Black] American [non]-holiday. I can appreciate reflecting and acknowledging June 19 of every year because, for me, it serves as a reminder of how shifty and ugly American history really is. Many will argue that [white] Independence Day serves a deeper and more violent reminder of the costs of liberation, but I very much disagree.
See, Juneteenth reminds me that Black people are still not free in America. We were enslaved domestically (and internationally, but for all purposes dealing with American slavery, go with domestic enslavement). We were treated as less than human (and only counted as 3/5 of a person, where it counted for the dominant culture). We had an enemy at home. Do we still? Quite certainly, though not as easily identifiable as slave masters that held us captive a little over a hundred years ago.
We were liberated, but not told. We were allowed to believe that we were still slaves in some places for a full year after the Emancipation Proclamation was released!
Is Juneteenth something to celebrate? Certainly not. However, it is absolutely something to acknowledge.

Yesterday, The Senate passed an apology for slavery and racial segregation in America.
Funny, I thought that an official apology would be something worth celebrating at one point, but I certainly think that it is too little too late. A friend of mine recently committed an act against me in an unloving nature. However, when he apologized, he explained that apologies are only words, and in order for words to have true meaning, a person should give something as an act of atonement. An apology isn't enough. The Government needs to acknowledge ALL of the damage that has been done at the Black community's expense, and work to correct the problem.

I was listening to Michael Eric Dyson's radio show a couple of days ago, and the commentary was on the contrasting attitudes between the wrongdoing done to the Jewish community abroad and to the Black community in America. The most effective point made was the fact that Blacks in America are constantly told that slavery was so long ago (and it wasn't), and that we should just get over it. It's over, move forward. However, the Jewish community is always told to "Never Forget" and "Always Remember". The fact that our President is now a racial hybrid of pure African and "other", people think that we can do anything. I believe that I can do anything, but are my brothas and sistas in the projects raised with the same will? I doubt it.
(note: I have lots of respect in President Obama and I sincerely believe in him...but the facts are the facts -- and just because the "one drop rule" applies to him does not mean that America is ready for a leader that is 100% Black...)

I think that the Black community will never be able to move forward from slavery because of the attitudes and things that we are told, as well as the fact that the apology is simply that -- an apology. And one that lacks anything beyond symbolism.

Where do I begin?

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 16:11:58 GMT

In the last six months, I've only written sporadically because I was taking 19 hours and working on graduating. But the life has come together so magically for me. I'm incredibly pleased with how everything has worked out, and so here are some highlights:

I completed my business plan for the Livication Healing Center, and I am working toward having an established non-profit. Oh, and in related news, I got an A+ on my undergrad thesis that I wrote about sexual assault in minority communities the semester before.

In working on the business plan, shadowed my aunt who works with sex offenders in DC. I also helped her interview people in holding and helped her assess whether or not they were mentally unfit. It was pretty cool.

Also in working on the business plan, I had a phone interview with Aishah Shahidah Simmons -- the filmmaker who made "No! The Rape Documentary". She's definitely one of my major inspirations, and we have become quite close. She has also put me in contact with several wonderful people and organizations.

Aside, I was asked on behalf of the rape crisis center in Wilmington, as well as different organizations on campus to speak on a panel about sexual assault in minority communities. The icing on the cake, though, was a personal adventure for me. I participated in "Take Back the Night". Take Back the Night is an internationally held protest against sexual abuse, assault, injustice, violence. During the protest, people are able to stand up and speak about their experiences. I heard from so many different people and it made me feel really...strong. And in my sudden spurt of strength, I found myself in front of fifty people with a microphone, crying and speaking about my experiences. And, once again, my t-shirt from the t-shirt campaign was soaring. And I felt strong and vulnerable. Very vulnerable.

I was nominated for -- and selected as -- the Troy Douglas Carr Criminal Justice Student of the Year. That is the highest honor a criminal justice student at UNCW can receive.

I was also asked to be the commencement speaker for the department's ceremony. That was incredible.

Oh. And I actually graduated!!! ON TIME!! After transferring twice! :-)

And I also partied my butt off the entire month of May.

Now it's time to be a grown up.

PS- If any of you are my friends on myspace, I have several pics up there. None really on facebook...but I can email (or snail mail) grad pics or the professional pics I had done!

Lovvvvvvvvves.

strength.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 14:48:16 GMT

Dear Adonicca,

I forgive you.

With all the love for the universe and self,

The not depressed and recovered version of you.

I am still alive.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:42:19 GMT

And live is good.

Even during a 19-credit-hour semester.

Peace.

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:50:00 GMT

The other day at work, I was a cashier and feeling especially reflective. I typically do not take interst in sharing my thoughts with customers (considering most times I can hardly stand speaking to them), but some days I am capable of smiling and can maintain my attitude.
We have a bagger - an older black man - that is unusually eccentric (read: weird as hell) and generally serves the my primary source of amusement. Between his screaming "MISS ADONICCA WE'LL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS!" and his meowing at customers' small children, I tend to not take him too seriously. Soemtimes he likes to ask personal questions and participate in short spells of random banter.
I'm ringing a customer out and my "touched" bagger comes up. I speak to the customer, "how are you today?"
He echoes me, "how you doin' ma'am?"
"Do you have a savings card?" I ask.
"Is plastic okay ma'am?" He asks. And then, "Miss Adonicca, when you done with school?"
"May. I graduate in May."
"That's so good! Ma'am you hear that? Miss Adonicca graduates in May. From...from UNCW. Isn't that good?"
Her eyes got big and happy. She looked to me and said, "congratulations! I bet you're excited!"
While I am not easily embarrassed, I hate when strangers attempt to discuss my future with me.
I gave a nervous laugh, "Well...kinda. More nervous than anything else."
"Nervous?" she asked, "Why nervous?"
Of the millions of ways I could have conveyed it, I chose the less sarcastic (for a change).
"I'm just worried that with the way things are, I'll not get a job."
"Don't say that," she responded promptly, forcefully. "You are one of the prosperous ones."
(Thank you for recognizing, white lady).

She reached over the register and grabbed my right hand. Holding my palm toward the ceiling, she looked me in the eye, "I can feel it. You are prosperous. You will be prosperous."
My bagger looked at the lady and interjected, "She don't believe it yet, but she will."
She looked at him, "she is prosperous."
I didn't want to say, especially in front of my god-fearing makeshift preacher of a bagger:
I don't believe in this.
You don't know me.
You don't feel anything.
I am an atheist.
A humanist.
And a bit of a cynic, but a realist. Our economy has collapsed.

I was kinda thrown off. I blushed, and more nervously than before, I just said, "thank you."
She just looked me in my eyes and said, "believe it. Say it to yourself. You are prosperous."
She grabbed her bag.

"Have a good day," I said.

And really, thank you.

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:11:36 GMT

I've not written in the last few months because I've been busy trying to graduate. Last semester was trying, and now I am in my final semester of undergrad.
This is it.

Last night, I reflected on a lot. I'm so grateful for everything that I've gained from Wilmington. I've grown so much in the last few years, and I feel like an adult.

And I'm leaving soon to fulfill my purpose.

Stay tuned.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 21:18:07 GMT

I have been far too busy to update my journal. It's been a while since I've had the time and energy to put into expressing myself.

But I will.

Soon.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 15:43:41 GMT

As much as I'd enjoy having one guy all to myself, I am of the state of mind that I have too much going on right now to maintain a healthy relationship. However, I would love to be in love. Love is the most magical feeling, ever. I would love for a single, intelligent, charming guy to just be in love with me. I want to be in love, and I would love to be the queen of some guy's heart. I'd love to have real love -- "ridiculous, consuming, inconvenient, can't-live-without-each-other love".

Unfortunately, the only guys that want me have girlfriends, wives, fiances, kids.

It breaks my heart. I do feel bad. I'm not a whore. I don't like coming second to anyone. I know I deserve better. I have standards, and somehow somewhere, I deviated from the plan. Because I don't want to be in love with the guys that have the attachments.

Right now, I'm just living.

That's my speech.

My favorite love letter. Oh, that Beethoven.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 06:06:09 GMT

Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 15:46:01 GMT

I open my eyes. I stretch. I wonder if there is anybody or anything I should thank for waking up, for my creation, other than my mother.
I am living.
Am I alive?
Being is not enough, we know that.
Believing is not enough, I feel that.
Is anything ever enough?
Direction.
Direction is pushed by passion.
Passion.
Passion is backed by love.
Love is not enough.
I peel the layers of complication from my being, and what is left?
I stretch. And quiver. And smirk.
I am living. I want to figure out how to be alive.
Thank you for helping me be.

Scattered thoughts.

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 16:42:14 GMT

It may be sleep deprivation, but I feel all out of whack.

I feel like something might be missing. I don't want a relationship at all, especially considering how busy my life is.
I've made new promises to myself over the course of the last week or two.

I just feel like I'm drowning, now. What is this reality I have to face?

Is love the cure?

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 06:03:55 GMT

I'm really sad tonight.

I don't like when the people I love are sad, and when I hear them cry, it makes me want to cry.

I'm just extra blue tonight.

A (not-so-brief) Public Service Announcement.

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 20:34:04 GMT

A slightly difficult thing for me to admit to myself is the fact that, even in my eclectic nature, people continually (and, dare I say, increasingly) find it difficult to relate to my based on the rules and personal laws that I abide by versus the image they have of who I should be as a black woman. Majorly, all types of people have a difficult time with my lack of affiliation with an official religious group. I do have an issue with people challenging the validity of the things I believe, though, about being a black woman. Womanism, or black feminism, is a very important concept in my life. As I have said before, it is very difficult for me to divorce my blackness from my womanhood and I truly believe that both are equal and essential concepts to who I am as an individual (most specifically, Adonicca) and how I choose to live.
I am a very bold and opinionated woman, and many people do not find this out until they test their boundaries and/or disrespect who I am. Growing up under the circumstances I did, I constantly had to prove my blackness to my peers. For instance, my siblings and I were a set of the few black children that we knew with both parents until we moved from the neighborhood that I was born into. I was teased for being in "white" (Academically Gifted) classes in elementary school and junior high. I wanted to do poorly and not be on the honor roll so that kids wouldn't regard me as less than black, because my mother raised me with such pride in black womanhood! This reminds me of an article that I read for one of my classes suggesting that girls, in general, tend to perform poorly in middle school in order to impress boys socially.
And any rate, I participated in a marathon shouting match over the course of the entire day yesterday and two primary things toward the tail end of the conversation (minus the idea that exercising my independence as a woman in 2008 is a whorish act) were: 1) the principles that I subscribe to are arguments that can be described as "white feminist bullshit" -- created by rich, white men to mainly benefit themselves sexually and economically and 2) the idea that things are created equally, but are not equal.
Are we all created with equal efforts but with an imbalanced sense of worth or purpose? If the answer is yes, then weren't slave masters justified in what they believed about the purpose of blacks on earth? The "equal versus equally" argument struck a nerve with me, but it also made me reflect on my belief about the yin and yang and the importance of balance. Just based on the image of the yin and yang, they are both equal and complementary; the difference is in color and nature.
I do believe that there are universal laws that everyone should adhere to; what I do not believe is that I should insult people -- and entire movements -- based on my disagreeing. In the past, I have wasted a lot of energy arguing religion with the people who ask for it based on their lack of understanding of my character; after all, how can I live my life both morally and upright, and not believe in Jesus or the Prophet Mohammad?
I know that I am not typical for a 21 year old black woman (who grew up in the South), and I would like to continue to believe that my experiences have shaped who I am and who I am still working on becoming. The arguments that I have read about black feminism from the perspective of many black men is that the movement betrays the entire race because white women have tricked us into abandoning the quest for equal rights for the entire race to just seeking rights that benefit them (additionally, I would like to point out that in its inception, white women were not entirely with the idea that black women be allowed to join the movement because it would compromise their potential for gaining the equal rights of white men).
If I may reiterate, from an earlier post:
"I love being a black woman. I love my black skin, I love my kinky/coily/curly (otherwise known as nappy";)hair, I love being a goddess. After undergrad, I want to devote my life to what I believe my true purpose is: (re)strengthening the black woman and helping her to realize her true potential.
Loving being black does not mean I do not like white people. Huminism is the big idea, to me."

If there is one thing that my father forced me to internalize (besides my competitive nature, know-it-all personality, and nail-spitting temper) is a rule about disrespect that I am still learning to enforce (because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt way too often). When I was in high school, I got into an altercation with a guy (he smacked me -- I wouldn't put out), I told my father of a situation (making it hypothetical, with a "friend") similar and he looked at me and said, "don't ever let anybody disrespect you" (Oddly enough, my father was the catalyst of much of the disrespect I've had to deal with my entire life, and my rebellion against it caused a strain on our relationship).
My tolerance level for disrespect has a very tiny threshold. Small things like lies certainly make it difficult for someone like me (who believes in a lot but is quite reluctant to share in order to avoid conflict) to trust another person, but I do not think I have stopped speaking to a person based on their lack of truthfulness; I have, however, cut people off for disrespecting me (insinuating that my independence is in vain, criticizing the things that I (do not) believe in, and speaking to me as though I am less than what I am).

I need to focus on myself (I've been saying it for a year or so, I know) and my overall mental (and academic) well-being right now. In such, I am deciding to avoid dating and relationships until after my undergraduate career, because I have so much to focus on this year and I already feel overwhelmed. I doubt that I am at a place in life to find the yin to my yang (besides my best friend/cousin). I can't say that I've yet to find a person that is both complimentary to my nature and aware of their equality in purpose. I just want a John Lennon-Yoko Ono relationship -- egalitarian (one of those white feminist bullshit principles), and full of love derived from a deeper social and intellectual purpose. I'm not searching for it, but my ultimate goal is to know someone who can balance my characteristics and quest for revolution.

Black feminist or not (because we all know how I feel about labels in general -- the proof is in the puddin'), the nature of who I am as Adonicca MeChelle is ever evolving, and I certainly refuse to be disrespect and held down by oppressive values and opposition.

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:40:36 GMT

You know, lately I feel as though I am really coming into my own. Like, despite all of the bullshit I've gone through here and there, I am finally able to fly on my own. I don't feel as though my emotions are so out of wack (even though I still have bad days), and I feel like I'm actually growing up.

I thought that I was looking for love for a while, but I think that I was trying to grow to love and accept myself. And I am still working on it. I thiink that I'll know love when it crosses me and the enegry is right, but for now...I'm so focused on graduating and figuring my life out.
And I think that's okay.

This semester (and next, I hope), I'm doing a directed independent study on creating a non-profit for African American victims of sexual assault and domestic violence -- which, ultimately, is my goal. I am quite excited about it, but the research component has proven to be strenuous. This is going to sound like a crazy and possibly faulty analogy, but heregoes:
I feel like I have to go through this painful (not literally, maybe much more a struggle or strain) in order to create something great. This goes back to my idea about giving birth; I feel like I'm going through all of the pains of development now so that my "baby" can be born and raised right.
Does that make sense? It kinda makes me feel like it's all worthwhile. Like my psyche is pregnant with this great and wonderful thing, just waiting on the right time to come into being.

And I'm quite excited.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:34:23 GMT

I feel like I'm bigger, deeper, and much more of an adult than my physical body and time in years can ever speak to.

Today was a bad day. Random Scattered Thoughts.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:01:40 GMT

I had a horrible day at work and my boss almost had me angry enough to walk out the door without looking back.

I had a horrible time after work with my anxiety, and so I took an Ativan.

I got into a shouting match with my best friend over why he doesn't, as a white man, understand what it's like to be a black woman. He started to make a joke (because he hates serious conversations), and it irritates me when I'm being serious and someone else isn't.

I got into a little disagreement (about where I see myself ending up in life) with a new friend. I discussed the things that I would like to do as a grown-up. This might have been the straw that broke the camel's back. You see, I do have a problem with people voicing their opinions on what I feel to be my life's purpose, my passion, my legacy -- especially when I don't ask for negativity. I mean, I know that it was not out of ill will, and I do appreciate opinions but after the day I had, I would have rather not discussed it. Nobody really understands the depth of my passion when it comes to fulfilling this dream.
It just kept reminding me of when I had my big epiphany -- and I told my father, all proud, and he replied, "that won't work."
"Okay, I've gotta go."

I just got finished crying.
I feel like a failure sometimes.
I am working hard to push for the changes that I want to see, first within myself and then within society, and it just becomes incredibly frustrating when the changes that I am working toward don't come quickly enough for other people.
I have a contract with myself and it is an elaborate and well thought out plan of action. I have to do things in steps, and I am working on things.
The fact that I have issues to work on does not limit my capacity for growth or change, and it definitely does not mean that I will not be able to save the people that I am desiring to. You just don't understand, you just don't know.
What might you not know?
I had to force myself back on meds because I was afraid that I was going to have to be confined; my counselor put me on a continual suicide watch and this was a term. And I discussed it with several people. It is temporary. I don't want to be on medicine forever. For right now, though, it is best -- and that's according to ME and not "them".
I respect certain things about certain people, but nobody receives every ounce of my admiration. I do not ever put 100% of my faith in any person or anything. Ever.

I feel put down.
I am hurt.
I think that people still doubt me.
I think I still doubt myself.

And the fact that people think that I am bounded makes it exceedingly more difficult for me to ever forgive myself.

I thought the epiphany would come sooner. It still hasn't.

In the end, is the love you take really equal to the love you make? I seem to be making so much and taking so little.
So, I'm yet again out of balance.

And I was just thinking that maybe I want a baby, sooner than later. But KS was right, how the heck can I have a baby? I'd be a horrible mother, I can't even resolve anything within myself. There is no peace with me, ever.

Goodnight.

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:30:46 GMT

I was at work the other day, supervising, and decided to bag the groceries of a register with an old white lady who regularly comes in the store.
"How are you today? Is plastic okay?"
She nodded. She moved slowly. She walked toward me and looked at my nametag. "Adon.."
She struggled.
"How do you pronounce it?"
"Adonicca."
"That was mighty imaginative on your parents' part."
She smiled, I didn't.
"It must be difficult to have a name like that. People must mispronounce it a lot."
"Yeah..."
Silence.
"You know who never mispronounces your name?"
Raises an eyebrow.
"God."
Nervous laughter.
"God says, 'Adonicca. Adonicca. You are perfect Adonicca. You are my daughter.' You are God's daughter, and you are perfect to God."
"Have a good day."
"Just think about it, Adonicca."